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One doesn\'t have a sense of humor. It has you.
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Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.
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Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
If it weren\'t for electricity we\'d all be watching television by candlelight.
I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.
Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.
If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.
Men have become the tools of their tools.
We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.
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I Can\'t Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don\'t Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.
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Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.
If women didn\'t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I\'ve never tried before.
For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.
Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.
It is better to be quotable than to be honest.
The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.
If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.
Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.
Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it
I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.
When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.
Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.
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Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.
The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
I don\'t know why we are here, but I\'m pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.
Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.
The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
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Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it\'s because they\'re such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.
Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes
The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?
If you can\'t get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you\'d best teach it to dance.
Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.
Finagle\'s Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.
All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.
I\'ve never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I\'ve seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.
UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.
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If everything seems under control, you\'re just not going fast enough.
Fill what\'s empty, empty what\'s full, and scratch where it itches.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.
I have not failed. I\'ve just found 10,000 ways that won\'t work.
There\'s no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.
I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.
Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.
Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.
It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.
When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.
I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.
There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.
Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.
Research is what I\'m doing when I don\'t know what I\'m doing.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn\'t it.
The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.
All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.
Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.
The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.
We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.
Mit der Dummheit k?mpfen G?tter selbst vergebens
Don\'t knock masturbation, it\'s sex with someone I love .
The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.
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If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.
Emulate your heros, but don\'t carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.
Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn\'t go away.
Love is the answer - but while you\'re waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.
Once you\'ve written TBicycle, you never forget how.
Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.
Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.
Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.
Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.
A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said \'no\'.
We didn\'t lose the game; we just ran out of time.
Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn\'t.
Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.
The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I\'m not sure about the former.
I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me
I\'m very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It\'s about Russia.
Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.
Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.
The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There\'s also a negative side
In America, anybody can be president. That\'s one of the risks you take.
Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.
The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.
I don\'t know why we are here, but I\'m pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.
The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment
I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.
Fill what\'s empty, empty what\'s full, and scratch where it itches.
Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.
I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don\'t need.
Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.
When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.
Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
If there?s one thing I know it?s God does love a good joke.
Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.
You\'re about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.
If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.
Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?
Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.
A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.
Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.
It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.
I don\'t know why we are here, but I\'m pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.
Sterling\'s Corollary to Clarke\'s Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.
Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
If everything seems under control, you\'re just not going fast enough.
Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they\'re eating sandwiches.
I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.
Those are my principles. If you don\'t like them I have others.
Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.
The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there\'s no law against whacking them around a bit.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Copy from one, it\'s plagiarism; copy from two, it\'s research.
Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse\'s family too.
I\'m all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let\'s start with typewriters.
To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.
The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.
I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.
If you can read this you\'re not aiming in the right direction.
Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.
If everything seems under control, you\'re just not going fast enough.
Physics is not a religion. If it were, we\'d have a much easier time raising money.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.
Everybody\'s worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there\'s a really easy way: stop participating in it.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn\'t cure.
First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.
Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.
I don\'t know anything about music. In my line you don\'t have to.
Don\'t sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.
The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.
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